On this, my 100th post, I’m baring my soul. This time last year my mum went into hospital for what should have been a straight forward operation to remove a tumor on her brain. Although the operation went well complications arose during her recovery. She ended up back in hospital and contracted an infection. To cut a long and painful story short the infection and two major surgeries changed her forever.
From the operation to today I’ve seen her suffer and decline, from a strong fit independent woman living on her own, who taught me so much, to one needing 24/7 care. She can no longer walk or talk or feed herself, though we think she has moments of lucidity and understanding. Which makes it all the more heartbreaking.
She’s now in a facility not far away from where we live and she’s well cared for. I visit her as often as I can, initially it was every day, now it’s two or three times a week. I sit and tell her stories, I read to her and show her photos. Sometimes I just hold her hand. Like today. She fell asleep in bed and I sat with her. And remembered. All the happy times, coming home with the kids for the weekend, the way she’d hug us tight. Her smiles and laughter, her amazing cooking, her kind heart and the warm welcome she gave everyone who came into her home.
I let the tears flow. Unguarded. The past year has been an emotional roller coaster ride with a constant weight on my heart. From sadness, anger and grief to slowly coming to acceptance. I’ll never understand but I can accept. She doesn’t know it but even in her fragile state she’s still teaching me lessons.
Of humility and patience, of accepting change, however hard and learning to live in the moment. Appreciating each day as best I can. Of choosing to be happy and not feeling guilty about enjoying life with my family, as I know that’s what she’d want. She’d want me to make the most of each day.
On this, my 100th post, I pay tribute to my beautiful mum. I feel like we’re living the longest goodbye. But really, aren’t we all?
Wishing you peace and happiness and a mindfulness to make the most of each and every moment with the ones you love.
Thank you for reading my posts and following me on my journey.